Well maybe it’s unfair to plague these other two releases with the ‘Boll’ moniker. However, it has been proven* that just being released to DVD the same week as an Uwe Boll movie is detrimental to video sales.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale - Please… someone stop him. Uwe Boll strikes again, forever dooming video game based movies to a reputation of crap. Luckily for us this 80 million dollar craptastrophe did only 3 million on the opening weekend and only 10 million or so world wide. Apparently he admitted disappointment and is saying he will stick to smaller films in the future. We can only hope. Look at the cast in this thing! How did these good people get wrapped into such a mess?
On another note he also made the ‘Postal’ movie that is to be released in May… hopefully that will be the final nail in the coffin. Also in the currently in development Postal 3 video game you will have the opportunity to kill Uwe Boll. If that’s not a selling point, I don’t know what is.
Juno - J Jonah Jameson’s daughter Kitty Pryde gets knocked up by George Michael. Michael Bluth and Sydney Bristow try to adopt the baby. If you get all of these references, you’re on the right site.
In a surprise move this week the DVD industry moved new releases to Wednesday. David Van Davidson had this to say “All of you DVD ‘fans’ who’ve been converting over to Blu-ray are ungrateful assholes. We’re moving this week’s releases to Wednesday to remind you sons of bitches that we hold the cards and to stop taking us for granted.”
I swear this is the truth and it has nothing to do with me slacking off and not posting these yesterday.
Walk Hard - Judd Apatow’s re-imagining of the Johnny Cash story. Hopefully more interesting and entertaining than the trailers I’ve seen. Maybe he’ll do the ’shake and bake’ thing.. at least that will be good for a laugh.
There Will be Blood - One of the big contenders for pretty much every award this year. I’m sure its a great story, great acting, etc. etc… but will it be better than Doomsday?!
Lions for Lambs - Tom Cruise takes a break from speaking to aliens to bring us this story about forbidden love that will either fully unite or entirely sever the animal kingdom once and for all. At least that’s what I want it to be about… I got to the part that said starring Robert Redford and Meryl Streep and I fell asleep. When I woke up the animal kingdom thing was what I remembered from my dream.
My take.. Netflix the first two and maybe the last one if you’re desperate… even the ‘real’ critics didn’t think highly of LfL.
Of the 3 posted above, 2 of these movies feature cutting (throats, edges) and 2 feature blowing* (hard, long). This is like that whole thing from geometry class where a square is always a rectangle but a rectangle is not always a square. In this case we’re talking about the relationship of things being cut, and things being total piles of suck.
Sweeney Todd - If you like Johnny Depp, meat pie, blood and singing then this is the movie you’ve been waiting for. I’m not sure why, but I really enjoyed this movie, very twisted and macabre…oh, never mind.
Alvin and the end of Jason Lee’s movie career - After this and Underdog in the same year I just cannot fathom what the extremely talented Jason Lee is thinking about when he gets involved with this crap. Oh, the non stop hookers and blow he can afford from the giant movie star paychecks… never mind again.
Cutting Edge 3! - Chuck called me last night and insisted I include this movie today. Who ever though we needed not just one ‘Cutting Edge’ but three needs to be brought to justice and face charges of ‘crimes against humanity’. I suggest they be executed by guillotine for a sense of irony.
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